This Floating Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Letdowns of the Past Year.
As we consider the television landscape of the past year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their notable failures. From awkward spin-offs to confusingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the third season started, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the last series. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too symbolic. Still, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The subject of a very rare no-star review, it was difficult to know where to begin listing the problems. The laughably leaden dialogue? The tedious veneration of affluence and consumption? The seemingly deliberate parade of tropes? Acting so bad they felt almost spiteful? Let’s just say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, abuse allegations and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive excess while failing to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the outset: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a little dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge baffling accents. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just really dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various London rogues which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint homemaking as deliberate provocations. But then you watch them and are forced to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine animated; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are clearly fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Rather, the experience was like consuming a marketing catalogue. She clearly has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something way beyond it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous friends involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for explicit exploits as she undertook her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater examination of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.